I’ve been shying away from writing about this. I’ve not been really keen on writing either for the past couple of weeks.

I guess there was some hope in me that if I disregarded it long enough, the pain and ache in me will go away; that it’ll be a passing phase, a drop-in emotion - long enough to make you feel it, but short enough to not make you miss it.

It’s difficult to muster up the energy to want to blog and write when all the emotions are having a ball within you.

Confusion takes a turn with Hope, Resentment looks across the room and offers up his arm to Reluctance and twirls across my heart’s floor. Numbness has been waltzing uninvited one too many times, only to move on when Excitement comes along (not as often as I’d like for it to come, though).

People tell you that goodbyes aren’t easy.

Saying goodbye is like putting your heart into a blender and pressing ‘Pulse’. The ache and pain doesn’t come all at a go and then, it’s done; you get your juice, you throw it out and let your heart grow once again. It comes and goes. It’s slowly happening, but time seems to go on by faster than usual.

The only good thing is when your heart grows once more, it grows bigger. Because of that, you are able to love more, accept changes with less resistance and give in a tad bit more.

Saying goodbye is like trying to force your heart through a thick wired mesh. It takes a truckload of effort, the odds are always against you and you feel EVERYTHING. Emotions that you never thought existed within your being suddenly seep through your every pore.

Remember the bunch of people that told me goodbyes aren’t easy?

I'll bet they are the bunch of people who'd go, "Oh, so you have cancer? Now, that's just too bad!"

They should receive; or rather that phrase should receive a medal. On it should be emboldened and engraved: “Understatement of the Century”.

Goodbyes are not aren’t easy, goodbye are heart achingly painful and gut wrenchingly difficult.

I have not been sleeping well for the past two weeks, maybe more.

I shut my eyes and I shut them tight. However, I can still see a kaleidoscope of images playing, performing little pirouettes; images that would normally make me grin unknowingly but now leave a wistful feeling, a bitter aftertaste.

I brew cups of chamomile tea and take warm showers before bed with lavender scented soap, both known for their soothing, therapeutic properties. None of the two seem to work, I toss and turn, lying awake late into the night.

Which is why I am up at 4am writing for leisure, articulating my feelings and thoughts on cyber space. I never write at this hour unless it is assignment-related, work-concerning or grades-affecting.

Goodbyes aren’t easy. Or so, I've been told.