My thoughts are all over the place, my feelings are like a batter which is not mixed evenly, with clumps along the sides of the bowl.

I apologise in advance, if this post not all primped up to the likes of my previous entries.

My conscience is clear as I am putting this down in writing.

There were times where I have talked about people, behind their backs. I am guilty of that. I cannot write about this without being honest about myself, because I have pledged to tell the truth at all times, no matter what the costs might be.

But, never have I - intentionally, with premeditated motives - intend to stumble and bring down someone by slandering or libeling.

Identifications first. What is gossiping or what is the act of gossip?

According to Proverbs 6:16-19,

• Gossip is having a false tongue.
  You speak untruths, even when you know the whole wide picture. You are clear on the truth, yet you choose to sing your OWN song about the whole matter.
  
  
• Gossip is to have a heart fabricating hurtful schemes.
  Meaning to say, it is intended. It is on purpose. It was planned in advance - the whole story outlined, even hitting the highlights with feigned emotions.
  
  
• Gossiping is to be a false witness that launches forth lies.
  
  
• Gossiping is for any person sending forth contentions.
  You want to cause strife, promote division. You hate to see anyone having good relationships and friendships. It angers you, it makes you feel jealous.

Understand this, gossip is destructive.

You can never imagine the extent of hurt hurled to the faces of those at the receiving end. If that person does not get up on the right side of the situation, his/her life was crushed at the tip of your tongue.

This I admit, I have difficulty trusting people. I've said it out loud.

I do not swallow blindly everything that comes out from people's mouth, without double-checking. Sometimes, I triple-check.

So, I hate (Hate is one word in the English language that I use sparingly. Suprisingly, love is another.) people lying to me.

When I find out about it, (trust me) I will not be pleased. One of my principles - The truth is out there and worth pursuing.

Every now and then, people do point out that I do not have a large circle of friends. It is not because I am arrogant, snobbish or anti-social.

I have a tendency to compartmentalize, where I do not share unless I know the person like the back of my hand. After I have dissected you, taken you apart with my deductions and I sum up that you are of no threat, friendship ties may proceed.

However, if my friendship with you has taken a downturn; constrained to puny proportions, surviving just on a need-to-know basis, you might want to analyse yourself and figure out the why.

After bringing this out in the open, I have to add that as much as it hurts (when you stumble upon the truth), forgiveness is essential. For yourself primarily, and the other person.

I have gone through it - struggled with hurt, wrestled with unforgiveness. In the end, I was a bitter, miserable person.

The second I forgave, it was as if a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. It was liberating, my life was spun 180degrees. I was a changed person.

Till today, I remember what I have gone through. Where I am today, the ongoing journey thus far.

I remember them not as sour memories with pangs of hurt crippling my heart, from expanding.

I remember them, to tell you how gossiping can destroy a life. I remember them to let you know I understand your predicament.

I remember them, most importantly to show you that I am still standing and you can overcome it.

P/S: Cui Lin, I received your email. No apologies needed, I am thankful you are making an effort to change. I love you, the amount much more than when we were first friends, about 15 years ago.