Chatty Lass

After last night’s Skype conversation, I was having some doubts on following what my heart was instructing me to do. To put it simply, my heart was troubled. I wondered if the whispers of my heart were true, I questioned if the movements of my heart was towards His.

I did what I knew best to do (even if I didn’t really feel like doing it, because I didn’t have much to say): I knelt at His feet and worshipped. Just worshipped. I wasn’t saying much, but my heart’s cry was simply this: “I need You, I just want to do Your will, my Father” and the tears flowing down my face echoed that deep longing.

After some quiet moments in His presence, a gentle whisper, "Psalm 32."

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you..... Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous. Sing, all you who are upright in heart!”

Beautiful Word, all the assurance I need.

Now, to walk with assurance and at the same time wait in hope for Him to show me His will...

"When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

Mary Karen Read

Yesterday’s assignment: Write a letter congratulating YOURSELF on something you did especially well today. Perhaps, it is staying on a diet or avoiding someone who usually gives you grief, or taking procrastination to a new high.

*

I commend you for your outstanding effort in pulling yourself off from bed this morning. I know how inviting the bed was, how charming the little peek-a-boo game Sunshine played with you was and how much you actually wanted to pass off the session. However, you managed to resist the charms of snoozing and staying in bed for just a little bit more. You arose from your bed, planted your feet on your heart-shaped mat and marched towards the toilet as soon as you heard your alarm ring. What a champ! I am so proud of you! {pats on the back}

I am also praising your effort in making mental exercises, you know, planning in your head, for workout sessions. You have got to start somewhere, and preparing the mind is of crucial importance. Now, if you could only act on what you have in mind, that would tremendously awesome!

Your decision to be prudent and thrifty, managing to hold your horses and not buy impulsively really deserves a mention. You not only realised the value of money, you are becoming quite the budgeter! I look forward to see more of that. And who knows? Maybe with the two years’ worth of allowance’s saving, you would be able to get that Kate Spade handbag/Burberry trench coat that you have been eyeing since forever.

It is amazing how you begin each day anticipating what it holds, and approaching it with fervour and enthusiasm in Christ. It makes all the difference, and getting by each day sweeter than the day before.

I love you, and I am proud of you. I know that you love me back. {hugs myself tightly}

*

P/S: I should get top marks for this. A little narcissism goes a long way. :p

It needs to be said yet again that God is amazing, truly incredible.

His Word states that He is the SAME yesterday, today and forever. Situations in life affirms that. Changes in life reminds us of that. Our lives, our everyday lives, it is a testament of His generous promise.

I realised how important perspective is in life; how we view what comes our way, how we react to the happenings in our lives.

Setting our hearts and minds to begin each day with fresh perspective of The Cross, seeking to have a pure heart, renewing our minds and spirit in Him, what an amazing difference it makes!

My heart is steadfast on living a life that is without compromise for Him.

That does not mean being rigid, isolated from the rest of the world or sucked out of any fun. It means CHOOSING to be set apart for His cause.

I never want to put a price on holiness. I never want to trade holiness for anything or anyone else.

In a world that is getting from bad to worse, in a world that is so depraved, it doesn’t need another person to add in and join the bandwagon.

Our world needs the truth, His truth.

His truth and His story, they are not demonstrated on the pulpit. The best sermons are not heard from the pulpit, they are seen through our lives.

I don’t want to be the person who is a leader in church, but is not first and foremost the follower of Christ. I don’t want to be the person who sings in church, but the words of my mouth unedifying.

Our lives, how we do life with full awareness of Christ living IN us, that puts us in leadership position. We lead people to Christ with our lives.

Our lives are the best song written for Him. There is much to be done; our song is not yet complete. There is still another chorus waiting to be written, a tag silently resounding in our hearts, inputted by our Almighty Composer.

When the end beckons and we sashay with joy to our Heavenly Dwelling, our lives’ song will be sung in the hearts of those who have heard. It will be the sweetest sound that rises up to the heavens.

It’s getting late, I guess there isn’t much coherence to this entry as an overall observation, at least that is what my proof-reading judgement tells me.

My heart is full, my soul confident in the favour of the Lord.


Much much love,
Melissa.

For as long as I could remember, I have never been the girly sort of gal. I never liked ribbons in my hair, I detest wearing high heels (although I wear them on occasion because they make my legs look thinner and miles longer) and I loathe pastel hues.

Before you write me off, I will admit that babies make my insides go all mushy, I adore puppies and baby talk to them (I baby-talked Max all the time, and it drove my parents nuts. For instance, "Come here, Mumma's widdle baybee bumkins") and I have a secret childhood dream of marrying Prince Charming in a picturesque (castle included) background.

But pink, pink was never my colour. All shades in the family of pink I shudder to imagine and shun.

However, right now, sitting across the room, I look up from my laptop and I am totally digging my fuchsia sheets.

I love the feeling that is within me right now. There is a stirring in my soul but my heart is content.

It comes when there is a song within me. It comes when there is a melody that rings in my head. It comes when His love soaks me anew and courses through my veins. It comes when a fresh revelation of who He is, straight from His magnificent throne of grace, fills my thoughts and captivates my heart.

It’s the most incredible feeling in the world.

In my own heart, in the chambers of my soul, I hear this; over and over, through the day.

The pursuit for a pure heart (a heart after His own, movements of a heart that mirrors His, beats that are in sync with His) is not for the faint-hearted. It is for the stout-hearted; it is for the courageous, it is for gutsy people.

Because, the heart, our hearts, it is probably the most difficult part of who we are to surrender to any person. Because when it is given, it is giving a free entry pass into the deepest secrets of who we are.

When the entry pass is given, it cannot be retracted. Emotions run high, feelings come on strong, well-kept-over-the-years secrets will be revealed.

The wounds of Hurt will be tended to, the shards of Bitterness will be seen under His magnifying gaze and removed. The fiery flames of Lust will be doused with the refreshing waters of Self-Control. Jealousy and Resentment will be thrown wide out in the open. Anger will be managed and restrained.

While all that maintenance work is ongoing, Regret comes knowing at your door. Standing by him is Guilt. They will be mocking you, laughing at you, grinning at your work in progress. Shutting the doors of your heart to those two, and another two comes ringing at your doorbell. Their name tags read Confusion and Condemnation.

Let me remind you again of what I have received: “The pursuit for a pure heart is not for the faint-hearted. It is for the stout-hearted; it is for the courageous, it is for gutsy people.”

Regardless of all I’ve been through, through the jungle of Hurts and Pain, the sharp thorns of Regret and Guilt piercing my heart, my heart is constantly inclined and resolute to pursue that pure heart.

Such joy fills my heart in knowing that He peels back the ugly layers of my heart, and allows it to grow once again, this time with His hand of love tending to it. Such rejoicing resounds in my heart when I come to Him broken and He restores, saying “The sacrifices of a broken and contrite heart I will not despise” (Psalm 51:17).

Know that our hearts are a work in progress. Don’t give up just yet, don’t let go of the dream of having that beautiful heart.

When it gets a little messy, hang in there. When it gets tough, stand your ground. Be courageous.

Let HIM refine our hearts, let HIM smooth out the rough edges, let HIM remove the weeds of the past and sow seeds of His promise.


So much love,
Melissa.

I was reading devotional articles from John Eldredge’s best selling works, ‘The Ransomed Heart’. I loved this chunk of the book.

“All sorts of awful things can seem to issue from your heart – anger, lust, fear, petty jealousies. If you think it’s you, a reflection of what’s really going on in your heart, it will disable you. It could stop your journey dead in its tracks. What you’ve encountered is either the voice of your flesh or an attempt of the Enemy to distress you by throwing all sorts of thoughts your way and blaming you for it. You must proceed on this assumption: Your heart is good. If it seems that some foul thing is at work there, say to yourself, Well then – this is not my heart. My heart is good, I reject this. Remember Paul in Romans 7? This is not me. This is not me. And carry on in your journey. Over time you’ll grow familiar with the movements of your heart, and who is trying to influence you there.

The flesh will try to use your “freedom” to get you to do things you shouldn’t do. And now that the Enemy knows you are trying to walk with God and tune in to your heart, he’ll play the ventriloquist and try to deceive you there. Any “word” or suggestion that brings discouragement, condemnation, accusation = that is not from God. Neither is confusion, nor any counsel that would lead you to disobey what you do know. Reject it all, and carry on in your journey. Yes, of course, God needs to convict us of sin, warn us of wrong movements in our soul – but the voice of God is never condemning (Romans 8:1), never harsh or accusing. His conviction brings a desire for repentance; Satan’s accusation kills our hearts (2 Corinthians 7:10).”

My stash of goodies!

Dear Midnight Hunger Pangs,

I fear you not. I am armed and dangerous, I have my load of ammunition, as shown above. Should you come attacking, I will not hesitate to dispose of you by loading up on all those goodies. So, my advice to you is: Don't come knocking. Don't. It will only be to your loss (alright, maybe mine too - my waistline and figure will hate me for the midnight feed).

Warned lovingly in advance,
Melissa.

Let me share something with you dear Readers (It will sound more like a rant, but really, I am just sharing): I hate liars.

What (or more accurately, whom) are liars? Liars are people who lie. Lie about what, I hear you asking. They lie, they just lie.

A lie is not measured by it being a big, humongous lie, or a teensy-weensy lie. Just as there are no good sins and bad sins, the same rule of thumb applies to lying.

It doesn’t matter if it is about something as insignificant as lying (through clenched teeth) to a dear friend about her thousand bucks designer dress that looks like a gunny sack, or if it is a case of cheating by sexual dalliance with another. IT. IS. STILL. A. LIE.

And lying, it isn’t just a come-and-go, once-in-awhile, only-when-the-need-arises habit. Humans are creatures of habit, yes, but the act of lying isn’t habitual. It is a CHARACTER FLAW.

I’m unapologetic about what I just said. Lying is indeed a character flaw.

People driven by the impetus to lie live their lives in denial and launch on a pre-meditated operation: Operation Cover-Up. Otherwise known as Deception. Or, to put it simply, Lying.

Lying is painting what is matte black and sheer white: murky grey. In life, there are no Grey areas. There shouldn’t be, if a person’s moral compass (also known as Conscience) is pointing in the right direction in the first place.

I hate it immensely when people lie to me. I hate finding out about the lie even more. The very thing that runs through my mind when the discovery takes place is this: WHY does a person has to lie in the first place?

Fair enough, I know speaking the truth in certain situations isn’t the easiest thing to do. The journey to speaking the whole truth often times isn’t the smoothest, I’ll agree to that.

I mentioned earlier that people who lie live in denial and they launch into an intended, pre-planned operation: Operation Cover-Up. Now, we’re getting somewhere!

The truth isn’t spoken because a detour has been taken, a shortcut somewhere along the way, skeletons in the closet have decided to play peek-a-boo... The causes are aplenty!

One reason stands, it doesn't take a genius to deduce the truth: A mistake was made, a wrong was done, a sin was committed.

Be man (or woman) enough to step up to the truth. Don’t shrink lower and lower into the pits of Deception, stand tall and own up to your mistake.

Remember that two wrongs do not make a right. Just because you screwed up the first time, does not mean that you have to go on living a screwed up life. Unwind yourself from the coils of Lying.

I want to believe again in the innate goodness of people, that they actually mean what they say; that words spoken aren’t cheap, that they are not empty promises and fake-coated.

I want to believe that words DO have weight, just like times of old; it is spoken only when it is meant from the heart.

This is the most painful part bout lying: “The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren't worth the truth.” - Unknown

It’s Day 3 of The Big Move, and I am far from being settled emotionally (although my room is now half done!).

I was grocery shopping late in the afternoon today. I exited Giant and noticed a pet store on the opposite side. Impulsively, I walked over, wanting to buy some of Max’s favourite treats for him. When the realisation hit, a heavy and uncomfortable feeling rose up to my chest. I walked away quickly before the tears started rolling down my face.

Yes, I'm admitting it and saying it out loud: It is difficult. It is heart achingly difficult.

I never imagined the extent of it, and it has only been 3 days away from Max, and a day away from my family, but I miss them with every fibre of my being.

My new room is twice the size of my room at home, but twice as uninviting. My new bed needs some breaking in; I woke up with a backache this morning. I finally have (more than enough space) for a study table, but somehow, it doesn’t look right.

Everything seems detached; the unspoken, invisible perfect symmetry isn’t there. The items are parked at the corners of my room, existing for functional use rather than complementing one another.

I digress from my picky attitude (from what I heard, it is an initial side effect to separation).

I realised through The Big Move, the love and care that I have not known the extent.

My family loves me so much to sacrifice not only their finances, more importantly to sacrifice time with me; releasing me into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father. For Him to guide, lead and mould me, for Him to be sovereign in my life.

I remember one of the nights, about two weeks prior to moving, I was sobbing into my Daddy’s arms, not wanting to come down to KL.

He said this to me...

It’s a comforting thought to embrace as I sit alone in my room, writing this entry.

And, as much as I am thankful for my family, I am blessed to have friends (the next best thing to family). True friends, God-given loved ones.

I am blessed to have phone calls from dearest friends (asking if I have arrived safely, offering to come over and help me unpack - pretending to chastise me for not announcing my arrival) and so many texts! Especially today, to let me know that I am not alone, that I am very much loved and missed.

Just for kicks, I decided to try another personality test today. The results didn't turn out too bad.

Click {here} to try it out.

My results.

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About you (me): You are a VISIONARY.

- Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.
- You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.
- You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.
- Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.
- Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.
- You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.
- Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.
- You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which come from both confidence and an aversion to change.
- You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.
- Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
- You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
- You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation – friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.


How you (I) relate to others: You are ADVOCATING.

- Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
- Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
- One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
- You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.
- You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.
- Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.
- Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.
- As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

As I was reading an email sent to me from a dear friend, she identified the season of change in her life in my Bitter/Sweet post.

We’re going through similar seasons of change in our lives - a new season, an exciting twist in our ride of life, a fresh page with new ink for an upcoming chapter.

I know I have not been very forthcoming in my previous posts {here} and {here} about The Change. I guess that I have been wallowing in Familiarity and Comfort too long.

It’s a huge step of faith for me; moving away from my family, ministry and friends at this point of time.

However, I recall of the nights spent worshipping in His presence when I have whispered to Him: It’s not my life, it’s Yours; have Your way.

Night after night, months ahead before I knew of the last minute course cancellation, when everything seemed crystal clear and in order, I remember committing of my life entirely to Him. Yet now that He has begun to work His will, I lament and grudgingly obeyed.

Proverbs 3:6 says “In ALL your ways, submit to Him, and He WILL make your paths straight.”
In the midst of the daze, heaviness of heart and sleepless nights, I can confidently say this: I am fully persuaded that it is God’s will for my life.

There is a sense of comfort embedded deep in my heart that He has gone before me, preparing the way.
I can testify of His goodness and favour as preparations were made. There wasn’t the slightest glitch.

I hope, with all my heart, that in all we seek to do in our lives, Christ be the source of it all; that His good, pleasing and perfect will be the promise that drives, motivates and propels us to commit of our life’s plans into His beautiful hands.

His promise of a “peace that transcends ALL understanding” is real. I believe it, I know it and most importantly, I sense it. It is the bedrock, unshakable embrace of assurance. I’m more than thankful for it.

I pray our lives will be a pleasing sacrifice of love that is offered up onto Him. It’s the best way to do life!


Love you so much,
Melissa.

I’ve been shying away from writing about this. I’ve not been really keen on writing either for the past couple of weeks.

I guess there was some hope in me that if I disregarded it long enough, the pain and ache in me will go away; that it’ll be a passing phase, a drop-in emotion - long enough to make you feel it, but short enough to not make you miss it.

It’s difficult to muster up the energy to want to blog and write when all the emotions are having a ball within you.

Confusion takes a turn with Hope, Resentment looks across the room and offers up his arm to Reluctance and twirls across my heart’s floor. Numbness has been waltzing uninvited one too many times, only to move on when Excitement comes along (not as often as I’d like for it to come, though).

People tell you that goodbyes aren’t easy.

Saying goodbye is like putting your heart into a blender and pressing ‘Pulse’. The ache and pain doesn’t come all at a go and then, it’s done; you get your juice, you throw it out and let your heart grow once again. It comes and goes. It’s slowly happening, but time seems to go on by faster than usual.

The only good thing is when your heart grows once more, it grows bigger. Because of that, you are able to love more, accept changes with less resistance and give in a tad bit more.

Saying goodbye is like trying to force your heart through a thick wired mesh. It takes a truckload of effort, the odds are always against you and you feel EVERYTHING. Emotions that you never thought existed within your being suddenly seep through your every pore.

Remember the bunch of people that told me goodbyes aren’t easy?

I'll bet they are the bunch of people who'd go, "Oh, so you have cancer? Now, that's just too bad!"

They should receive; or rather that phrase should receive a medal. On it should be emboldened and engraved: “Understatement of the Century”.

Goodbyes are not aren’t easy, goodbye are heart achingly painful and gut wrenchingly difficult.

I have not been sleeping well for the past two weeks, maybe more.

I shut my eyes and I shut them tight. However, I can still see a kaleidoscope of images playing, performing little pirouettes; images that would normally make me grin unknowingly but now leave a wistful feeling, a bitter aftertaste.

I brew cups of chamomile tea and take warm showers before bed with lavender scented soap, both known for their soothing, therapeutic properties. None of the two seem to work, I toss and turn, lying awake late into the night.

Which is why I am up at 4am writing for leisure, articulating my feelings and thoughts on cyber space. I never write at this hour unless it is assignment-related, work-concerning or grades-affecting.

Goodbyes aren’t easy. Or so, I've been told.